Compliance Monster Hunting: Malaise

Compliance Monster Hunting: Malaise

The Spreadsheet Eater? Check. Tedium? Check. Mr. Snap? Check. We’re halfway down the list of Compliance Monsters and, despite a few close calls (those binder rings are sharper than they look) the process has actually been pretty straightforward: remove the underlying source of the monster and the monster will go away.

Easy. But wait—do you feel like it’s been a little too easy? You know, I’m starting to wonder if this series is even necessary. Now that I’m thinking about it, yeah, it’s probably not necessary. I’m sure you can fill in the rest from here. Okay, that sounds good. I’m going to take a na—

Hang on. Uh-oh. Something isn’t right here. Let’s just keep going and see what happens, I guess.

The Compliance Monsters are back, and they’re more fearsome than ever. If you’ve felt a chill walking by that abandoned office full of paperwork, or if you’ve been editing a spreadsheet and the lights have suddenly started to flicker, you’d better beware. Mr. Snap, the Obfusticator, Malaise, the Spreadsheet Eater, Tedium, and That Which Shall Not Be Named have returned to their old haunts, and our intel suggests they’re more fearsome this year than ever before.

But so are we. And this time, we’re fighting back. Join Compli’s monster-hunting squad as we track the Compliance Monsters down and drive them away for good. Throughout October, we’ll show you how to eradicate these creatures one by one.

Step 1: Destroy… Habitat

I don’t know what it is, but I’m having trouble writing this guide. The office feels—I dunno—drearier than usual? Is it too early to be going through seasonal affective disorder?

Anyway, this is the part of the article where I’m supposed to tell you to destroy the Compliance Monster’s habitat. That habitat is probably your habitat. Weird, huh? You could be spending your days with a monster under your desk and not even realize it.

Step 2: Blah blah blah food source

Don’t feed the monsters. You get it. Listen, it’s clear that I’m just not into this right now. I’m going to have a colleague finish it for me. Maybe I’ll see you next week.

All right, Melanie Ays (you can call her Mel) is going to take it from here.

Step 3: Don’t Worry About the “Monsters” Any More

Hey, Mel Ays here. Still with us? Good. Good…

I’m going to let you in on a secret: the so-called “Compliance Monsters” don’t exist. Compli made them up to sell magnets or something. Typical workforce compliance people—always meddling where they don’t belong. I’m sure they’ve told you to “streamline” and “automate” your “compliance management system.” Ha. What a load of nonsense.

But what really irks me is this whole “employee engagement” business. Who cares if employees enjoy what they’re doing? Work is supposed to be boring. It doesn’t matter who you are or what you do; the only reason you go to work is to earn the money you need to retire and play golf for a few years. Not too much golf, of course—just the sufficient amount of physical activity to wear you down so you don’t have the energy to reflect on your life choices. When you look back at your life, human, you should think, “good enough.”

Meet Melanie Ays (Mel, for short), our guest blogger this week.

Step 4: Schedule More Meetings, Send More Emails, Waste More Time

The good news is that any workplace can turn into an environment where employees do nothing but kill time. If you’re reading this blog post at work, you can try it out for yourself right now. Here’s my unabridged dissertation examining the shared characteristics between several conventional statistical methods that model the probability of a train delay:

In deriving the factors that influence the reliable functioning of an infrastructure system for ground-based transport, transit economists have identified

EDIT: Wow. A lot happened here. We just chased her out of the office, but I’m leaving up what “Mel Ays” wrote above as a cautionary tale. Malaise can strike any workforce, at any time. Sometimes, as in this case, all she needs is an employee who skipped lunch.

Clearly, we need to be even more diligent in our approach. To prevent a Malaise attack at your workplace, do what we should have done before writing this blog post: take regular breaks, stretch, and eat a snack.

Sometimes, attending to those basic needs may not be enough. Treat apathy and cynicism like the crises they are. Remember that compliance is about doing the right thing, not just checking tasks off of a list. Don’t forget that you’re human—and so are the people who keep your compliance management system moving smoothly. Every consideration, no matter how trivial it may seem, should focus on the unique needs and personalities of the people who work for you.

Step 5: Monitor Your CMS to Prevent Infestation

And because you can’t always know what an employee is feeling or going through, you need the right tool to measure engagement and compliance outcomes. See how our online platform can help.

Next Up: The Obfusticator

Whew. I hope that Malaise acting more aggressive than usual means that the Compliance Monsters are getting desperate, but I can’t help but feel shaken by everything that just happened. Maybe I should take that nap. We’re going to need the energy to deal with our next foe: The Obfusticator.

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Brett Safford

Brett is a previous member of Compli’s Customer Success team, where she helped clients get the most out of their platform and achieve their unique goals. Brett's love for fabric and quilting means her family suffers from an overabundance of blankets. In the evenings Brett can be found cooking in the kitchen with a glass of red wine and Ella Fitzgerald on the record player.

→ Brett Safford

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