Know Your Compliance Monsters: Spreadsheet Eater

Basic Information

You might know him as #REF! or #N/A!, as a suddenly dysfunctional computer, or by his other name: No-such-file-or-directory-found. Together with his hunting partner, Tedium, he waits for the perfect moment to swallow your important compliance data.

–Source: Compliance Monsters: A Field Guide

The Spreadsheet Eater may be the most humanlike of the compliance monsters on record, but that isn’t really saying much. His appearance is the biological product of his diet—spreadsheets, naturally—and a few not-so-great methods of disguise.

Although he attempts to blend in with raggedly clothes and a mop of “hair,” it’s easy to distinguish the Spreadsheet Eater by his sallow skin, the bone that protrudes in place of his missing arm (rumor says it was lost among the rows of a .csv file dozens of Excel updates ago) and a mouth that expands 8 times its apparent size to swallow spreadsheet tabs whole.

Habitat

Like many opportunistic predators, the Spreadsheet Eater makes his home close to his food source. Still, it remains unknown exactly where and how he hides. Scholars stand divided on whether the Spreadsheet Eater exists solely in the digital space or is able to transfer himself in and out of the physical realm. He may reside in a USB flash drive, or he may travel—and perhaps multiply—via the cloud.

It’s possible he doesn’t even need an internet connection, and can manifest as a result of poor programming, in outdated software or hardware, or memetically—that is, through certain bad habits, misinformation and assumptions. Whatever the case, our team of compliance cryptozoologists has confirmed his connection with Tedium, an insect-like creature that saps its victims’ focus and energy with meaningless busywork.

Eradication

This one is a battle on two fronts. In order to wipe out the Spreadsheet Eater, you’ll need to take care of Tedium simultaneously.

Start by leaving old, slow technology in the past. That means updating your applications, securing your network and trading in any devices that present threats to security or productivity.

Next, seriously examine how you manage your workforce compliance data. What manual processes can you automate? Streamline your offline spreadsheets as much as you can and—better yet—avoid using offline spreadsheets whenever possible. It’s nearly 2017 and there are cleaner ways to store and share your data.